Butterflies and weak knees!

I absolutely love, love, love the feeling of butterflies and weak knees. Not the kind you get from drinking a little too much tequila the night before. The kind you get when you haven't seen someone you love in awhile. I still get that feeling about my husband - even after twenty years.

On May 4th this year, my husband and I will celebrate twenty years together. On one hand it seems like forever and on the other it seems like yesterday. That butterfly, weak knee feeling has really been with me as far as this man is concerned since the very moment I met him. That is a vision that always feels like yesterday.  He was wearing black wranglers, cowboy boots, a white t-shirt and baseball cap. It was August. Summer was coming to an end. It was apparent he had allowed the warm rays of the summer sun to touch his body. His skin was the most incredible shade of caramel which seemed to provide the perfect back drop for an incredible smile. He was shooting pool. We met in a honky-tonk called Cowboy's which sat high up on a hill in McAlester. It was a great bar with worn wood walls, neon beer signs and a huge dance floor.

I happened to be playing DJ that night, spinning records and stirring up the crowd. I could not keep my eyes off of this absolutely beautiful man. The way he controlled the pool table, standing straight legged, bending over at the waist, his face strategic and serious, a half smoked cigarette holding steady between his lips. He  joked with his friends, sharing laughter and drinking beer. It was captivating to watch this man who seemed to be totally unaware and humble. He wasn't one of those cocky guys who is all about himself, being loud and disrespectful. He was the opposite. Quiet, unassuming and gentle.

I can't really remember how much time passed. I thought my stares had been more subtle, but thinking back I think they might have been more stalker like. He was after all, absolutely beautiful. I suppose he startled me when he asked me to dance. I suppose I acted all cool, like it was no big deal and that he was lucky I said yes. That's when it started. The butterflies began to flutter. My usually strong and confident knees began to feel like honey. That young, giddy girl feeling. The feeling I had worked so hard to cover up and control. He reached out his strong hand inviting me to take his.  His fingers touched mine. The rest as they say is history. Twenty years worth. Twenty years of fun times and sad times. Twenty years of tears and laughter. Twenty years worth of butterflies and weak knees. Twenty years of love.

Lost track of time!

Not at all certain how many days have past since the first day of my 49th year. Suppose I list track of time. I've been off on spring break, trying to get some work done. Made a delish grilled cheese for lunch. Thought I would share.

Dark rye bread buttered on both sides.
Several slices of corned beef sauteed in a little cinnamon, butter, salt and pepper.
Crumble goat cheese onto slice of bread.
Top with corned beef.
Slice a pear very thin and place on top of corned beef.
Drizzle a little honey on top of the pear slices.
Top with another piece of rye bread.
Add a slice of butter to the same pan you sauteed the beef in.
Place the sandwich into the hot skillet. If you have a press, place it on top of the sandwich for about a minute. Flip the sandwich over and grill on the other side.

There you have it - not your ordinary grille cheese!

Day Eight & Nine - Spring Break!

Some how I let day eight slip right by me! So I'm combining yesterday and today. It's spring break. The word break is kinda whack seeing as I took the week off to clean my house. Pretty sad that a person would need to take a whole week off to clean a house. I'd like to say I live in a mansion and that's why it will take a whole week. Nope. It's a regular size house. Fact is - I hate house cleaning. There's one thing I hate worse. Doing laundry!

You know how some people are lactose intolerant? Or gluten intolerant? Well we are laundry intolerant at our house! Not kidding. Laundry seems to take over wherever we are. We hate laundry so much that instead of doing it we would just go buy new socks or new underwear. I know. Crazy!

Another issue I have is that I hate getting rid of my clothes. Fashion is cyclical. If you wait long enough everything comes back in style. Fashionistas say that when you bring something new into your house you should get rid of something. Well, you see I sort of have a love affair with clothing and shoes. It's not exactly the same kind of love affair I have had for almost twenty years with Butch. I bought each piece because I loved it. It's hard to get rid of something that you love.

This love affair with clothing and intolerance to doing laundry have lead to my utter contempt of cleaning. One reason is that laundry has invaded almost every room in my home! In fact, it will take me days of doing laundry before I can even begin to clean. It's kind of a viscious cycle.

It's officially day two of spring break, not including the weekend. I just can't see spending any more time doing something I don't like doing. Tomorrow I'm going shopping!

Later.

Day seven - Daylight Savings Time!

Day seven kicks off by losing an hour. I can honestly say that losing an hour of sleep sucks, no matter how you look at it. I took three naps today so I suppose I made up for losing the hour.

This day was very similar to yesterday. I slept a lot. Made cinnamon rolls for breakfast, did a couple loads of laundry, helped Butch get the camper ready for his trip and well, that's it!

I had dinner with one of my dearest friends from college - Denese Rogers Noakes. She will soon be getting her PhD in art from OU. I'm so proud of her. She is an incredible woman, not to mention being a very talented artist. I have pieces of her work all over my house. She is also the mother of two wonderful young men- Heath and Hayden.

Denese and I haven't seen each other in eight or nine years. However, the moment I saw her, her magic enveloped me immediately. Just like it did the first day I met her. She hadn't changed at all. The same perfectly manicured face, surrounded by unruly, blonde curls and the most unfectious laugh I have ever heard.

I told Hayden that his mom and I had not seen each other in forever. That's the sign of a real friendship - he said, "Yep, it's like you just pick up where you left off." Such a smart boy! I have missed this strong woman. Seeing her sent me back to those days in college, listening to her stress about English Comp 1 and 2 - now she will soon have the PhD following her name. Wow -

I spent some time thinking about how the people we cross paths with help mold and shape us into the people we are. Denese brought so much laughter into my life. Hours of sharing stories about our lives, our children, and about mistakes we had made along the way. I will never be able to thank her for being in my life. Her creativity, vivid imagination, her love of the obscure, her unique sense of style and her amazing laugh!

Our friends become like tiny pieces of clay that come together to form this absolutely amazing work of art. It is truly incredible to include Denese in my work of art!

Day Six - nothing but naps!

Day six has been absoluetly devine. Slept in, made breakfast, went back to sleep, woke up, made lunch, went back to sleep. I really love this day.

I am meeting a very dear friend from college tonight. She and u had some great times back then. Wild Willies everyday at noon. Classes and working, fun and more fun!

Not much more to sat about day six - slept through most of it!

Later -

Day five - spring break! Woot woot.

All and all a good day today. Took mom to visit The Van Buren house. Might be a good option for her next step. I think she liked it.

My spring break starts today. A week full of cleaning and cleaning and cleaning - I really hate that word! However, I do intend to do it while dancing, holding a glass of fine wine and wearing my silk pajamas. Yea baby! There will also be some serious pampering going down aa well.

The plan is to get my northern residence ready to sell. I've just gotta get my family all back in one place.

Like I said all in all a good day. Right now I'm enjoying some early evening soccah with my best girlieo Lauren. I will miss her so much when she ventures off to college. This circle if life gig really sucks sometimes.

Later -

Day four - Role Reversal

So far day four is somewhat better than day three. Feeling a little less blue and maybe a little more sunny. Had a long conversation with my mom last night. She is 85. Her husband died a couple of weeks ago. At one time I called him my step dad. That changed a couple of years ago. That is a story for another time. Still much to raw to be put out into the universe.

My mom's great hope was to continue to live independently in her home. Still, she is not able to stay by herself at night. This whole ordeal is a source of frustration for me. Patience is not one of my virtues - hell, it's not even on the radar! I'm more of a be bright, be brief, be gone kind of a gal. But last night, I caught a few glimces of the fear she must be facing. I am certain she feels if we make the move to the next step - she will most assuredly be alone. No matter how much I try to calm those fears, they still remain. I think she feels it will all be over. The beginning of her end. Part of me thinks that is what she wants. However, there are still moments when that fiesty, flame haired, control freak seems to have something else in mind!

Even though she is frail, thin and quiet; I still see this powerful woman that survived through divorcing my  dad, financial ruin, put me through college by working two jobs,  and a teaching career that spanned 35 years. I see this opinionated, independent woman who commanded such attention when she walked into a room. I'm afraid to let go of that image. Afraid I too might be all alone. I want her to be that take charge woman, confident, fearless. I want her to stand up and fight. I want to yell at her, shake her until she comes to her senses and gets up out of that stupid lift chair and rejoins the human race. But I don't. I can't.

I'm not at all certain how to manuever through this obstacle. Is there a manual? Are there rules, regulations or laws I need to follow? I am unsteady and uncomfortable in this place. Truthfully, I want to stomp my foot, scream and shout, "I don't want to do this. I'm not grown-up yet. I'm not ready. I'm not prepared. This kind of shit isn't on my resume!" It feels like I'm driving a car through a crazy ass forrest, with no lights and  no GPS. It sucks -

This is one of those times that I prayed and prayed for pateince and God blessed me with an opportunity to be patient. He really does have a unique sense of humor. For now I'm just taking things one day at a time and saying "Sweet Jesus!" a lot - among a few other not so nice explitives. I think I will calm down and find joy in spending more time with this woman who encouraged, empowered and demanded that I become a strong, independent woman. Perhaps this is where I will finally learn patience. "Sweet Jesus!"