Day four - Role Reversal

So far day four is somewhat better than day three. Feeling a little less blue and maybe a little more sunny. Had a long conversation with my mom last night. She is 85. Her husband died a couple of weeks ago. At one time I called him my step dad. That changed a couple of years ago. That is a story for another time. Still much to raw to be put out into the universe.

My mom's great hope was to continue to live independently in her home. Still, she is not able to stay by herself at night. This whole ordeal is a source of frustration for me. Patience is not one of my virtues - hell, it's not even on the radar! I'm more of a be bright, be brief, be gone kind of a gal. But last night, I caught a few glimces of the fear she must be facing. I am certain she feels if we make the move to the next step - she will most assuredly be alone. No matter how much I try to calm those fears, they still remain. I think she feels it will all be over. The beginning of her end. Part of me thinks that is what she wants. However, there are still moments when that fiesty, flame haired, control freak seems to have something else in mind!

Even though she is frail, thin and quiet; I still see this powerful woman that survived through divorcing my  dad, financial ruin, put me through college by working two jobs,  and a teaching career that spanned 35 years. I see this opinionated, independent woman who commanded such attention when she walked into a room. I'm afraid to let go of that image. Afraid I too might be all alone. I want her to be that take charge woman, confident, fearless. I want her to stand up and fight. I want to yell at her, shake her until she comes to her senses and gets up out of that stupid lift chair and rejoins the human race. But I don't. I can't.

I'm not at all certain how to manuever through this obstacle. Is there a manual? Are there rules, regulations or laws I need to follow? I am unsteady and uncomfortable in this place. Truthfully, I want to stomp my foot, scream and shout, "I don't want to do this. I'm not grown-up yet. I'm not ready. I'm not prepared. This kind of shit isn't on my resume!" It feels like I'm driving a car through a crazy ass forrest, with no lights and  no GPS. It sucks -

This is one of those times that I prayed and prayed for pateince and God blessed me with an opportunity to be patient. He really does have a unique sense of humor. For now I'm just taking things one day at a time and saying "Sweet Jesus!" a lot - among a few other not so nice explitives. I think I will calm down and find joy in spending more time with this woman who encouraged, empowered and demanded that I become a strong, independent woman. Perhaps this is where I will finally learn patience. "Sweet Jesus!"